The thing about on/off relationships is… They’re great until they’re not, they’re the things of dreams, until, suddenly, you’re living a nightmare. They’re the perfect song, on a broken record. They’re a great book, possibly the greatest, but with key chapters missing. They’re breakfast in bed on a powder blue morning, and then days in bed, without eating. They’re breakups that you don’t know how to mourn, because you can’t fathom that this one, this is the last.
They’re drunk break-up sex and drunk make-up texts at 3am. They’re feeling cheated and feeling guilty. They’re feeling loved, they’re feeling special.
They’re intoxicating. Because you keep making the same mistakes, over and over again, because you keep falling into the same pattern. They’re familiar and safe, and like a home you come back to - no matter where, or how broken - it’s a home no less; they know you and you know them.
But see, the thing is, after a while, you no longer hear the music on the broken record - you just hear silence; and you no longer care about the characters, you just want the book to end. Every off, every break chips away.
At some point you realize that love should be more than drunk-3am-s that make you afraid that life will never be that perfect again. At some point you no longer want love to be a roller coaster.
Or so I’ve heard. I hope it’s true. But right now, if you called and asked me to - I’d go back, I’d do it all over again.
It’s hard to breathe and I can’t find a way to sleep at night. I want you out of my head but you’re consuming every part of me like a controlling drug and my life is spinning out of control. You said you love me the other day and I so badly want to go off on you. I want to ask you why, why tell me that, why tell me that, and leave it at that and nothing more. Now I’m here blowing my brains out because I don’t know if this is all a game to you or if you truly feel what I feel for you. You drink and drink and it’s only when your veins are swimming in alcohol that you express any type of feelings for me. And they say that drunken words are sober thoughts but I don’t even know what’s sober and what’s drunk. I want to scream at you and at the same time throw you against a wall and kiss you until you say you meant it all. I’m so drained and I can’t take this anymore. I can’t tell you how I feel because I’m scared of what the outcome will be or if I’ll get the unwanted answers for my desiring questions. I want to run, run away as fast as I can but it seems that every night as I rest my head on my pillow I inject myself with a little bit of you and I’m back to relapsing. Back to hating myself for losing you, hating myself for not knowing what you feel, hating myself for falling in love over and over again every time you smile my way.
Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say ‘My tooth is aching’ than to say ‘My heart is broken.’
Perhaps you’re giving up
on life because it’s bad luck
No one’s there for you,
or so you have thought
You feel so lonely
No one there to be by your side
You feel so desperate
No one’s there to help you
You think everyone hates you
But there are some
who appreciates you
You’re giving up too easily
Someone out there
is counting on you
What choice do you have?
Letting someone down
or earning trust?
What do you think you’re doing?
Beating yourself up
or finding some hope?
What do you want to be?
or someone free?
You trip and fall
But you are able to get back up
You hurt yourself and cry
But you heal and the tears have dried
No matter what happens
Don’t give up
You’re halfway there
So hold onto it
Good things come and go
Bad things come and go
They’re different and the same
When you’re sad, you’re not glad
When you’re up, you’re not down
Whoever you are, be happy about it
‘Cause you need to know that
who you are is special
Life is hard, but don’t dismiss it
You might just end up missing it
A wise nigga told me ‘Don’t chase that cash
Follow your heart you’ll make that fast’
J. Cole (World is Empty)